Soccer is not good for your health
Right before the USA/Germany match the other day, I posted this to Facebook but what I want you to pay special close attention to is the first comment I received after my post.
|“You guys ready for the 90 minute anxiety attack?? USA!!”|
He had hit the nail right on the head. For the next, 90 minutes I would be in a full panic, on the edge of my seat and in desperate need of a horse tranquiler. Tomorrow, when the US plays Belgium, I will be prepared at 4:00 with extra-strength downers.
Women who have had babies should be VERY careful when watching el fútbol
I say this not because watching hot soccer players for an hour and a half will make you want to procreate more babies because if you are caring for babies right now, you know there is nothing in the world that could get you that hot and bothered. No, I say this because as I was celebrating the first goal that the USA team scored last Sunday during our game against Portugal – which made me caraaazy – I almost peed my pants. Ok, truth be told, I peed my pants a little. My who-has muscles just aren’t what they used to be after I had two babies. Apparently, this is a real equation we babymakers have to consider:
I wish I could say I learned my lesson for our second goal that day but I totally forgot to work my Kegel exercises for that one too and let a little pee slide. Oh well. Joys of motherhood. Am I right?!
“We are the World” is not just a song performed by USA for Africa
It is awesomefying seeing so many people around the GLOBE get so passioned about something that has zero to do with guns, wars, or money – even if one idiot thinks it is all a scam to take away attention from Benghazi, a thought so stupid I can’t even understand the logic behind it. Can we just make this a month where we all forget that we want to kill each other and enjoy a game where we just bite each other?
Pretty boys aren’t just pretty faces
Damn it, Ronaldo. I’ve heard your name thrown around for the last few years and will be honest. I set out to not like you. You’re so cute. And so talented. And so rich. Damn you. And then I started to take notice of some of the stories I heard about you. Nice stories. Good deed stories. You are not just another pretty face that plays soccer like a Greek God with a Maverick-ish gorgeous smile and chiseled arms. You are much more. I judged you too soon, hot #7. I apologize. So what if you take your shirt off and throw it into a crowd… I’ll let that slide. Actually, I’m totally fine with that.
Fútbolistas have great(!) names
If I have a third child and he’s a boy I have a few names already in the running thanks to soccer players:
1. Alexi (Alexi Lalas) – The name is SO bad ass that even while it sounds feminine it’s BAD ASS. Word, Alexi.
2. Leo (Leonel Messi) – I know his name is LIOnel but I like it spelled better with the E. My hypothetical bay, my choice.
3. Teeth (Luis Suarez) – just kidding
4. Santiago (so I could scream SantiaGOOOOOOAL) – Oh wait. I have a son named Santiago already and I’ve penned this as his soccer nickname so don’t be stealing it, bitches.
New Jersey is awesome.
Josmer “Jozy” Altidore
Why Messi is better than Ronaldo, Ronaldo is better than Messi, and no one is better than…
Let’s face it. If you think Messi is the better player you will find clear cut reasons to pinpoint Messi as the better soccer player. If you think Ronaldo reigns, you too can find solid reasons to pinpoint why Ronaldo is the better player. But why do we find it necessary to pit athletes against each other? Especially when we all know that neither is better than Pele.
Sensei John Kreese from the Cobra Kai dojo commands these iconic words of Johnny in Karate Kid. I do believe that no greater truth has ever been uttered. You must finish it. Yep, US and Mexico I am specifically talking to you. Mexico you more so. Didn’t you learn anything from the US’s game versus Portugal that if you let up for even 5 SECONDS the other team can – and probably WILL score. And instead of heeding this message you played the Netherlands like you were on siesta. Everyone thought so. You played on your heels instead of your toes and they scored on you… twice… in the last 2 minutes of the game. Play til the end, people. Finish it.
(Disclaimer: While I delight in using the phrase “finish him” I do not condone Sensei’s implementation of dirty tricks aka “sweep the leg”)
speaking of dirty tricks…
The real take away I took from “The Suarez Attack”(Suarez’s version of “sweep the leg”)
Ok, so the actual biting didn’t actually teach me anything but we’ve got to talk about it, right? Because biting… really? From a grown man? My son (who is one) was biting his sister when he was angry that she took his ball from him… did I mention he’s ONE. After giving him my own yellow cards a few times, now he’s taken a different approach. When he is angry, he still flexes his chompers but chooses to pretend-bite his hand or the couch or another ball and not other people because biting other people to get your way is representative of mental behavior… or vampires. Neither of which is good. If my one year old soon has learned this… you know where I’m going with this, yes?
BUT here’s HOW Fifa’s handling of “The Suarez Attack” did teach me something. It taught me that we have to give REAL consequences. If I allowed my ONE-YEAR-OLD to continue biting his sister, guess what, he would still be feasting on her daily. If this
animal player could bite a chunk out of someone’s shoulder on international screens across the world with millions of people watching and walk away holding buckteeth like nothing happened and then in fact, nothing does happen, then I have a feeling this is not the last we’ve seen as Teethy McGee. Nice job, Fifa.
Moves like Müller
U.S. spells “us”
Has anyone else noticed this? That U.S. without the periods, in fact, spells “us.” So I can walk around saying that I want “us” to win and it is the same as saying I want the U.S. to win. I know. I’m brilliant. You’re welcome.
I Believe that We Will Win
I love believing. Ask Santa Claus… and Jesus. I am a believer. Give me something to believe in and, wholeheartedly, I will. You won’t find a more loyal believer anywhere. So thank you, World Cup 2014 for giving me something to believe in.