Moving kids abroad is like moving a kangaroo to New Jersey – I’m sure it would eventually adapt but it’s gonna take Little Joey some time. Terrible kangaroo jokes aside, there will be struggles both for your child and you who will, understandably, want to help your kids with the new change. But while struggles are inevitable, they aren’t impossible to overcome. So I’ve talked to some expert expat parents about their own move with their kids and here’s some advice they gave to help you help kids move abroad.
BE HONEST
Husband used to wait to confront some situations to avoid confrontation. He had the best of intentions but often waiting only made it worse. You’ve known this how long? Now imagine this with your kids. How long have you knowne we were moving? Why didn’t you tell me? Tell your kids immediately. Don’t wait or hold off for that “right moment.” There is never a perfect time and the longer you wait, the less time it gives you to start talking about, and adjusting to, the impending move.
You should also be immediately honest about your own fears. Some kids, like some adults, don’t like admitting when they are having a hard time. One of the experts I asked was a teenager when she moved abroad and this is what she had to say about how her parents handled the move, “They were very open about the struggles they had with adjusting so I never felt like I was the odd one out.” Basically open up. You don’t have to slam your new location or be deeply pessimistic but let your kids see that you, too, have your own worries. Kids look to us to be strong but they also look to us to be vulnerable so they know they can be too.
And accepting
When we told our kids we were moving, the immediate, obvious reaction was sadness and tears. Don’t be afraid of that. Let them feel what they need to feel to process this move.
BUILDING EXCITEMENT
The first thing I did when I learned we were moving to Guadalajara, Mexico was buy a kid’s book about living in Mexico.
And then keep exploring. After we told our kids, they started asking all sorts of questions so we’d Google them together and investigate. Another parent expert said, “I showed my kids cool photos of whales and flamingos and they told their friends they were moving to see them. They seemed excited…” You don’t have to wait to set foot in your new country to explore.
Give them Control
Small Moments
The thought of moving to a new country makes me excited—it also gives me serious anxiety. I talk myself down by keeping things small. What has to get packed now? Sold? What do I want our new home to feel like? Giving your kids that same small control can help. Ask them to imagine their new room. What will your new room look like? What color do you want to paint it? Is there any art you’ve drawn that you’d like to take with you or do you want to create all new art there? Not only can it bring them a sense of control but it can build excitement and creativity.
Plan
One mom-pat expert tweaked the idea of an advent calendar to work for her son’s transition. She hung a huge calendar on the fridge, marking the happenings of each day so that he knows what to expect and when. “Having the calendar has helped for him to visually see our schedule and know what’s happening each day…” A countdown helps ease the anxiety of some faceless, ominous day in the future and focuses on today. (Yay! We’re going to the pool today and the zoo tomorrow!)
Their Stuff
I know stuff shouldn’t matter but to kids, it absolutely does. Have you read Knuffle Bunny, the mixed media children’s book about Trixie and her beloved stuffed rabbit? On a trip to the laundromat Knuffle Bunny gets lost and Trixie freaks out (←major understatement) until she is reunited with her favorite toy! Stuff matters to kids. While you can’t possibly take everything, give your kids room (literally and figuratively) to express and bring what matters to them.
familiarity
Vacations, as a work-from-home mom, can be hard because everyone is home, throwing my schedule into a frenzy but it’s that same schedule that will help ground me. So many things will feel different the first few weeks of your move so trying to stick to some of the routines your kids know will help them immensely, even if it’s just going to bed at the same time.
A veteran expat friend told me once, “We decided a long time ago that if we were truly going to do this life abroad, we needed to make our home, a home. We have our art from Mozambique and different pieces from China that means something to us. So while our homes change so much of what’s in it feels familiar.” If shipping allows or if you can bring 14 suitcases like we did in our move to Mexico—try and take the things that make your home feel like home. For us, Christmas matters so we brought a whole suitcase of our Christmas things.
BE FLEXIBLE AND CONSISTENT
A dad of a teenager says, “You need to be flexible with going along with the expectations of the new culture…obviously within reason and using your own values, but the reality that you grew up with is not the same as what your own kids will experience, so be open to that!” For instance, in Dominican Republic, the drinking age is 18 and it is totally normal for high school aged kids to go out to clubs. If you come from a place where that is frowned upon you might want to safeguard your child from that scene, but keep in mind that that might also mean holding them back from making cultural connections and socializing. You don’t need to let your kid go wild but like our friend said, “within reason and be flexible.”
Navigating Values
On the same token, another mom of a younger child weighed in, “I would add that, even though the setting, language, living space, climate and culture is different, our family values are solid and provide security, continuity and a sense of ‘home’…”
What I’m hearing from both sets of parents (different aged kids) is that this move is a good time to reinforce the things your family values. Defining values for younger children provides familiarity. Traditions, rituals, and routines can help them to feel safe. But as the parent of a teenager, you have to loosen the reigns in order for your child to build their own connections and hope their family values will help guide them.
The Basics (Time. Language. You.)
(They seem obvious but sometimes in the chaos it’s easy to forget.)
Kids are different and run on their own timetable. Don’t expect them to adjust or adapt as quickly as you or as easily as their siblings.
Chances are, your job is will be executed in your native language, but that will not be so for your kids. They will be quickly immersed in a new language at school, while socializing with local friends, or staying home with their nanny. So start teaching them now to count to 10 or a new word everyday.
It’s your job to stay consistent and calm. Hold no expectations for them or yourself.
What would you add? How have you helped your kid move?
P.S. When you move a family to Mexico (inspired by When You Give a Mouse a Cookie) and baby quilts that travel with us
