How to Be Better Friends: Stop building circles and build a “U”

There was an article a few months ago about the concept of a “circle” of friends. A circle is warm, welcoming, and supportive—when you’re in it—but when you are not, they can make you feel excluded, alone, and hurt.  The article suggested we “Stop building circles and build a U.” U-shaped friendships, or a horseshoe, a place where we leave space for anyone to join us and feel like there’s room for them. Essentially, be more open, more accepting, welcoming, and inclusive of one another. This seems basic, right? I think we can all agree which of these shapes we, ourselves, would rather find ourselves facing. But then I read some people commenting that this was hard, that creating U-shaped friendships wasn’t so easy.

And I’m calling bullshit. Being inclusive isn’t complicated.

A few years ago, a bunch of families decided to go to the beach for the day. There was a great beach restaurant less than an hour away with beach beds and space to spare. It was a great day… for the families that went. Do you know who didn’t go? Us. We had two small babies but that’s not the reason we didn’t go. We didn’t go because we didn’t know about it, because no one told us about it. Our feelings were hurt and we weren’t the only ones. One friend asked me if I knew about it and when I told her I didn’t she confessed that she was really hurt. “I couldn’t have gone,” she said, “but I would have liked to know about it.”

What specifically stung about that day was that it had all the makings of a perfect u-shaped event. No ONE house would be hosting the entire community. Space wasn’t an issue, noise wouldn’t be a factor, nothing was being catered. It just required an all-invite roll call. “Hey everyone. Going to the beach today. Fill up your gas tank and pack your coolers. Hope you can make it.” Including everyone would have been simple. Instead, it was a closed-circle beach day that left a lot of people on the outside.

I don’t mean that we shouldn’t have our “trues”, our +1s, our people. You can’t be besties with everyone. And I understand that not every get together can be an open invite; there is only so much room in my house for a potluck dinner, but forming a “U” isn’t just about throwing one potluck, one party, one gathering, one event. It’s about creating a community. You can have your people and still make room for everyone.

So how do we build u-shaped friendships?

Families and Singles

When I first moved to Mexico, someone said to me (in relation to hanging out), “Yeah, eventually the families hang out with families and the singles hang out with singles.” My response was probably something like:

via GIPHY

But I wasn’t shocked. I had heard this pain point from both my mom friends and my singles friends in all the countries I’ve lived in. Moms feel like they aren’t invited to single outings and singles don’t feel included in family events and couples with no kids are lost somewhere in the middle. Everyone is hurt, everyone feels excluded. And it’s so stupid.

When did having babies or not having babies mean we close-circle friendships? The only advice I have for this is JUST STOP IT. Stop it.

don’t make this difficult.

Guys, if you are having Happy Hour on Friday at the local watering hole (or somewhere that doesn’t require a head count), don’t make this inclusive. Invite anyone and everyone. It’s really that simple. You aren’t paying for anyone’s tab, you aren’t cleaning up after people leave, and your neighbors won’t complain about the noise — so why wouldn’t you invite everyone? This is such a simple way to include everyone but, also, a really easy way to make people feel alienated.

create opportunities for U-Shaped Friendships

Trying to plan a big, blowout a couple times a year is hard but necessary. It offers opportunities to make collective memories and shared stories that people will remember fondly. (Some of our favorites are lip sync battle and theme nights.) If you can’t find a space for this, make it mobile. We’ve had a couple of bike crawls (like a pub crawl on bikes) for Husband’s birthday. No worry about hosting, just bring a bike.

Another idea I love is an open invite with a set limit. At our old school, some friends hosted Trivia Night. The venue could only hold about 40 people, so while everyone was invited, only the first 10 teams to organize their team (of 4) and pay the entrance fee (under $20) were guaranteed a spot.

Or… arrange something where everyone is in charge of their own plans. For Thanksgiving, most of our community would go to the same beach. Everyone knew it was an open invitation but booking accommodations, finding a ride or renting a car, etc. was up to each individual.

mix it up

When you can’t invite the masses, mix it up. You can still invtie a couple of close friends but then add people you want to get to know better. Husband and I would occasionally have themed cocktail nights and invite people over that we didn’t always get to chat with. Often we’d get together groups of people that, for some reason or another, didn’t know each other well. It was great to see people hit it off and become fast friends with people they had never met before.

Game night. Wine night. Movie night. But how about instead of hanging with the same 5 bestie couples, invite your 5 bestie ladies and 5 new ladies.

New People

This is a whole category in it of itself. For the love of God, if someone is new, invite them to something. Being new is hard. Really hard. You naturally feel out of place and having someone extend an olive branch is often the key to how fast you settle in and how long you stay somewhere.

But NEW PEOPLE: you have to say yes. One can only invite a person over so many times before they assume you aren’t interested. It feels hard, in the beginning, to put yourself out there and accept an invitation from strangers but how else will you get to know them? Say yes. Go. Make that connection.

 

Including everyone? That’s a radical idea. Undoubtedly, there will be people who think it’s a snowflake idea and push back because circles are all they know. Maybe your own friends are content with their closed-circle of friends which means that you have to start the conversation and you have to push open the walls of that circle.  I’m not saying it’s simple. But you never know when you’ll find yourself (or your child) on the outside, feeling small and excluded, hoping someone would push the circle open for you.

Think about what you can do as an indivudal and/or a community to promote more u-shaped friendships.

P.S. Some ways to make new friends and questions to ask at the dinner table.