Mommy Doesn’t Need a Vacation, She Just Needs Time to Herself

To say I need a break is, at best, an understatement so while phrases like Mommy needs a vacation or momcation sound cute, they belittle the gravity and demean the absolute necessity of [mothers] making time for ourselves. Most every full-time job has vacation time; no humane job would require anyone to work 365 days a year with no break, and yet… motherhood.

It had been 1,014 days since I’d taken a trip without my family. In mom-language that means 1014 days since I’ve put everyone else’s needs ahead of my own. 1014 days of managing multiple schedules that include birthday parties, play dates, soccer games, choir performances, conferences, sick days, google and whiteboard calendars, and did I mention birthday parties? 1014 days of continuous information and updates about school and after-school activities. And 1014 days of mental exhaustion that end in 1014 nights where my sleep is interrupted by any and every squeak, rattle, roll, patter, cough or sneeze at night. My mind runs at lightning speed during the day and doesn’t rest at night.

To be fair, I don’t think most moms even know they need one. We run on empty for so long that we’ve gotten used to dragging the whole car behind us. For me, the realization came at the airport on my way to Los Angeles, a gift to myself for my 40th birthday that included Oprah’s 2020 Vision Tour tickets. As I stood on line waiting to go through security, I took out my phone to text my mom, who had taken the Boy-Child to school that morning.

In that millisecond from pocket to fingertips, I realized this was exactly why I needed to spend some time away. Sending that message was purely about me trying to organize, manage, and make sure that everything was running smoothly. But even if there was a problem in their 5-minute walk to school, what did I think I was going to do about it from the security line? I didn’t have to send that message. (I sent the message.) But after I did, I promised myself that I would reel it in and get the most of my time away.

I wouldn’t answer one Whatsapp group chat while I was away. I would call home every day but trust that Husband and the Grandparents had it all under control. When I saw that Daughter had a scheduled trip to the school’s construction site for a day I was away, I stopped myself from setting a reminder to remind Husband to make sure she wore long pants and sneakers that day. He has it under control, I reminded myself. Of course, he forgot and had to come home to get her things, but he handled it nonetheless.

I know we think that without us, everything will fall to shit…and it might for a few days. The house won’t be nearly as orderly and the kids will probably look sloppier on those school days. But they won’t go to school naked and they’ll eat enough to stay alive and everyone will survive. And I know we don’t like to hear that because we like to feel absolutely needed by our families. Because often our identity is wrapped up in being needed, but it’s true. They’ll be fine and here’s what will happen to you, which is by far the most important transformation for everyone involved.

You will sleep. You will make decisions for you and only you. What time you wake up, where you go, what you will do for the day. Have you been dying to see that art exhibit that grapples with colonialism, capitalism, displacement, and war? You can! And you can do so without hoping there’s a play area for your child or bribing them with ice cream after the “boring museum thing.” Not into art and just want to enjoy a hot Caramel Macchiato and free internet to scroll Instagram? Do it. And do so with zero guilt that you’re ignoring your kids and not being present at every waking moment.

You will skip lunch and order a charcuterie plate and a bottle of crisp white wine for happy hour. At 3 pm. Because you can. Because you like olives and fig jam and thinly sliced cured meats. And also because you are so tired of mac n’ cheese, dammit! And you can sit in that fancy-looking bistro without worry that your kids will bother the other patrons because as “quiet” as they are, they are 10 times louder than everyone there.

 

 

You will leave the worrying to someone else for a few days and when you return, you’ll return with the gusto and zest of a mom who just spent 5 days taking care of herself. Your mind, body, and spirit will thank you for it, and consequently, so will your family.

P.S. Say yes to you and 7 ways to take care of yourself when you’re going through change.