Grief is love with nowhere to go, water up against a dam, a planter with no drain hole. Putting our Olive to rest was a hard decision. It feels like the right one and yet, the guilt is consuming some days. Maybe she had more time. Maybe she would have lived another year? BShe was still eating. She was only howling in pain sometimes. The thoughts are circular and never-ending.
People reach out to offer their condolences. So many. More than wish me a happy birthday on Facebook but as they do something else starts to happen. They also offer up their grief story. It was as if sharing my grief gave them permission to feel theirs again, to remember a space where they once sank and sobbed. And I realize that so many of us never fully grieve. We cry but with a certain amount of restraint. When people ask how we’re doing, we say “I’m ok.” We go back to work and errands and life habits and keep busy and eventually the grief will be a memory.
I wonder, can we fully let go if we don’t fully embrace it first?
I find myself not wanting to pretend OK-ness. When people ask how I am, I tell them that I am sitting in it, allowing myself to feel everything and all of it. I’m not sweeping emotions away and trying to distract myself. If the tears come, they come. If sadness consumes me for a time, I let it. It may feel like it’ll swallow me whole sometimes but it won’t break me. Through is the only way through.
I read once that grapevines will grow and produce well in a wide range of soil types, but it needs to be well drained and deep. Good drainage matters. Removing the extra water or liquid waste matters.
And living a rich, full life is very much the same. If we don’t drain those emotions—we let them sit and pay no attention—they’ll rot us from within and infect everything.
In allowing the space to feel it all, we allow the emotions to move and process. And it’s in the processing that we can let go without regret and grow stronger.
You don’t need to “get better” soon, you need to drain.
If you are reading this and want to share your grief with me, please do. I find that talking or writing about it is often the cathartic release I need. DM me on Instagram or email me at drinkingthewholebottle@gmail.com
P.S. Grieving with Your Whole Heart and 4 Ways to Feel Less Overwhelm
